Bad Boy, M.D. Page 14

  I almost sensed a sadness in his voice. He looked at me like you look at something you know you’ll never have: longing, resignation, acceptance all wrapped up in one look.

  "From the moment we got married, Lauren, I knew I couldn't give you what you really wanted. Because I loved above all else work and you loved above all else me."

  I opened my mouth to protest, but I found the words weren't there. The argument I thought I'd always had wasn't there. I stared at Samuel and I knew in that moment it was true.

  "You want love. I couldn't give it to you and you punished me for that by taking away my career. Or at least trying. If you’d only forgiven me for my indiscretion… If you hadn’t made it such a public affair…"

  Whatever honest, open, human moment we were sharing was shattered with one shiver inducing laugh and then the hateful, spiteful, bitter man was back in my chair.

  "Before Marcus left town, he told me I had the Chief Surgeon position in the bag, Lauren.”

  I took a step back and bumped into my shelves causing a framed award to fall and shatter on the floor.

  “You tried to take my job away from me. I got a better one. And as soon as I start, I'm going to take away your newest little, and I mean little, toy."

  "The plans have already been put in motion to hire Ryan. You can't fire him without cause," I said, trying to hide the desperation from my voice. "Even if you're Chief Surgeon you can't just get rid of him because you want to."

  Samuel shrugged. "I'll find cause," he said.

  My mouth hung open as Samuel casually stood up, grabbed his briefcase, and walked toward the door of my office.

  "You know what you should do, Lauren," he said. He tapped his nose. "You know."

  He left the door open and I heard him cheerfully say goodbye to all the nurses and office staff.

  "Be seeing you all very soon," I heard him say as the elevator dinged.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Ryan

  I leaned against the hood of my car in the parking lot after work and checked my phone again. I slipped it in my pocket when I saw again the screen was empty of any notifications. Just like it had been thirty seconds ago.

  The sun blinded me as I blinked and covered my eyes while searching the entrance to the hospital. I caught no sight of jet black hair shining in the sunset, no gentle smile as she saw me waiting for her, no quickening of her step as she made her way toward me. It was almost twenty minutes past when we agreed that morning to meet after our shifts. I could have probably said exactly how past it was, but I didn't want to admit to myself how crazy I was for this woman.

  With a sigh, I fished my cell phone from my pocket and made sure the volume was turned all the way up, which it was. I'd already checked. For good measure I clicked on the vibration, too.

  I hadn't seen Lauren much that day. I'd been busy and I'm sure she'd been as well. But as I sat there in the parking lot I wondered if it was something beyond that. When I was sure that my tapping foot was going to wear a hole into the asphalt I pulled my phone out again and dialed Lauren's number. It rang and rang and I was sure she wasn't going to pick up until the final ring was interrupted by her voice.

  "Hey, sorry, I'm going to be a while."

  Her words were clipped and I figured she was in the middle of something critical. "I can wait. I don't—"

  "No, no," she said. "I don't want you to wait. It might be a while. Is it alright if we just cancel for tonight?"

  “Sure. But I could come over to your place later? Bring a bottle of wine and some take out?"

  Lauren was silent for a moment and I checked to make sure that the line hadn't dropped. "I'm just kind of tired," she said finally. "I think I'm just going to finish up here and go to sleep."

  This wasn't like her at all. "Is everything alright, Lauren?"

  "Yeah, yeah," she said, rushed. "Look, I have to go. Have a good night."

  With that she hung up and I was left standing there with the phone still held up to my ear. I listened to the silence for longer than I should have. Maybe I thought she'd jump back on and shout, 'Gotcha, I'm on my way out.' But it was just silence.

  She was just having an off day, I told myself. We all have days like that after all. That was all this was. Tomorrow would be back to normal between the two of us, I assured myself as I climbed into my car and checked the entrance of the hospital one last time before pulling out.

  But the next day everything wasn't back to normal. It was worse between us.

  Every time I'd step into her office and move to close the door behind me, she'd grab a stack of papers and slide past me.

  "Sorry, I have to get these to processing and they've been waiting since 9:30."

  "Marcus just called and needs an update on Mr. Pritchett for his records. Gotta run."

  "I've had to pee since noon and this is the only time I'll have till after surgery at four. Just leave me a note for what you need."

  "A note?" I asked after she darted by without even a glance my way.

  "Yeah, yeah," she shouted back at me over her shoulder, "there's stickies on my desk."

  At our morning staff meeting, I stretched my foot across to hers as I'd done before and instead of giving me a quick grin and reaching her heel up my leg she scooted back from the table and crossed her legs away from me.

  The single time I found myself next to her at the nurse's station I tried to graze my hand against hers and she ignored it.

  "Dr. Castle," she said. "Could you go check up on Mr. Levin? He should be heading into pre-surgery and I want to make sure he doesn't have any further questions."

  "Don't the nurses usually handle that?"

  Lauren finally turned to me and it was the first time that day she'd really met my eyes. But there was no flash of flirtation in those blue irises. There was no light for me in them. There was no deeper connection between mine and hers that let me know she was just waiting for a moment alone to fall into my arms. They were the eyes of a boss. They were the eyes of a boss who just told a subordinate to do something and was challenged.

  "I told you to do it, Dr. Castle," she said. "Is that a problem?"

  "No, Dr. Decker. Of course not." I walked away angry and so fucking confused.

  For the rest of the afternoon I was too busy with shadowing during surgery to think about what exactly was happening. But as Lauren signed off on my paperwork, I checked to make sure we were alone and grabbed her wrist as she went to hand me back my pen.

  "I need to talk to you," I said in a low voice. "Now."

  She looked up at me and sighed. "Fine."

  We slipped into the west stairwell where we were least likely to be seen or heard and I crossed my arms before leaning against a corner. Lauren sat on the stairs and brushed her hair back from her face while finding something apparently very interesting on the concrete between her feet.

  "What's going on?" I said when I'd stood there in silence for a few minutes.

  "Nothing's going on."

  "Lauren."

  She shrugged her shoulders. "We had fun," she said. "We really did. And I needed fun for a little bit. But we can’t afford to have fun anymore."

  I didn't understand what she was saying.

  "That's what I am to you?" I asked. "Fun?"

  She bit her lip and glanced up at me. "What do you want me to say, Ryan?"

  I threw my hands up in frustration. "I don't know, Lauren. The fucking truth?"

  "You want the truth?"

  "Yeah."

  She stood up and moved so she was right in front of me. "The truth is we’ve been stupid, thinking that we could keep our jobs safe and have a personal relationship, as well. People won’t let us.”

  “People like who? Marcus?”

  She shook her head but didn’t explain further.

  “Who then? Hospital staff? Other residents? Other doctors?”

  “Yes, all of those people. And others.”

  “Who, Lauren?”

  “Samuel! Samuel won’t let us
!”

  “What does he matter? I thought you were over him. I thought you picked me.”

  “I am over him. And I did pick you! But he—he knows about us, Ryan, and he said he’s a shoe-in for Chief Surgeon position.”

  “And you believed him? He’s a lying prick, Lauren.”

  “Be that as it may, but if he takes Marcus’s position, he can make our lives hell. He can make sure you don’t even have a position in this hospital, Ryan.”

  “That’s a risk I’m willing to take.” I said the words swiftly. Confidently. For a moment, I’d shocked myself, but what I’d said was true. If push came to shove and I had to give up my position at Graton’s to keep Lauren, then I would do it. But not without one hell of a fight.

  “I’m not,” she whispered.

  My head jerked up. “What?”

  “I’m not willing to take that risk for you. And I’m not willing to take that risk for me. I’ve—I’ve worked too hard to get here, Ryan, and I don’t want to go up against Samuel again. With everyone watching us. Taking sides. Taking bets, even. It was awkward before, and with you in the picture, it will be even more awkward.”

  “So awkward that you’re willing to throw away what we have together?”

  The expression on her face was lost. Sad. But I also saw something else there. Resolve. She not only wanted me to believe what she was saying; she believed it herself.

  She didn’t think what we had together was worth fighting for.

  This whole time, I’d known she was scared. Scared that I was younger. Scared that we worked together. I’d tried to reassure her. To prove to her that I was a risk worth taking. But here she was again, indicating that I wasn’t.

  "I can't believe this," was all I could think to say.

  There was a softness to her features then and she reached out an arm to touch me before pulling back awkwardly at the last minute and stuffing her hand into her pocket.

  "Look," she said, "you need someone your age. You need someone that can give you what you want."

  "But I want you."

  "I don't want you. Not at the price we’re going to have to pay."

  Those words stung more than any of the ones she'd said so far. I was glad I was held up by the concrete slabs behind me.

  "Listen," I said, grabbing her arms, "let's not decide anything right now. We'll pause on the Marcus thing and we'll take it slower, alright? We'll go slower. We’ll see if Samuel really does get the Chief Surgeon position—"

  Lauren pulled her arms from mine. "You don't get it," she said, her voice hard. "I've already decided."

  "But, we had something. Have something.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said and her voice broke. But she managed to continue on nonetheless. “It was fun to pretend to be someone else for a little while at least, but I’m not a risk taker.”

  She turned the corner and climbed quickly down the stairwell and I let her go. I didn’t call her name or beg her to stop, to come back, to just talk with me for a minute more, for a few precious seconds more. I didn’t even watch her go. I just stood there shocked and numb and I barely flinched when the door of the floor beneath me slammed shut behind her.

  That sound used to bring such different feelings. Just days ago the slam of the stairwell door would be accompanied by the pounding of my shoes against the concrete along with the pounding of my heart as I raced to her. We’d meet in the middle and our hands would be on each other’s body and our lips on each other’s lips and it’d be desperate and needy and greedy. It would last just seconds before we wordlessly crossed paths and returned to being Dr. Decker and Dr. Castle, attending surgeon and resident. But those few seconds would last me through the day till the next time the stairwell door slammed and I was running to her.

  But those memories, just an hour ago so precious to me, were painted differently now. There was a stage and the stairs were constructed of plyboard and Lauren was following her stage directions, reciting her lines, performing for the audience that watched in silence, unseen past the glare of the lights.

  And I was completely lost.

  I’d gone from thinking this is the first person I could rely on, lean on, look to for support to being yet another person that uses me and leaves. I’d been so diligent about not giving people that power over me after Callie’s bullshit, after my father left my mom and I for this very reason: the pain it brings when someone lets you down. But Lauren was different. She somehow sneaked past my defenses, ducked under my walls, and caught me off my guard. I’d been played for a fool. She got what she needed and there I was still standing in the stairwell, confused, alone, and betrayed.

  It felt like moving through water as I climbed the half flight of stairs to the fourth floor. There was a rush in my ears and my limbs hung heavy and uncooperative at my sides.

  “Dr. Castle?”

  I startled when a hand touched my arm and I looked down to see Rebeccah Sanchez at my side with a clipboard.

  “I’m so sorry to have scared you. Shit, I thought you heard me.”

  I shook my head and forced a smile.

  “No, no,” I insisted. “Not your fault. I was just lost in my head.”

  She giggled and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

  “Oh, I know what you mean,” she shifted from foot to foot uncomfortably. “I sometimes get in the car and get home and can’t even remember the drive home.”

  “Right,” I said with a half-hearted nod.

  Just then Lauren walked out of her office and the realization that I would have to see this woman day in and day out hit me.

  “Goodnight, Dr. Decker,” Rebeccah called cheerfully from where we stood across the floor.

  Lauren turned to wave and then stopped when she saw me. I saw her cheeks redden and she ducked her head to walk to the elevator. I looked down at Rebeccah. Maybe it was just that I was now apparently single again and she was a cute, petite blonde who seemed to like me and had a nice set of tits. Maybe I was hurt and wanted someone, anyone to comfort me. Maybe I wanted to use Rebeccah the way Lauren used me. Hell, maybe it was out of spite. Fuck, it was definitely out of spite.

  “Hey, Rebeccah,” I said, skimming my hand over her arm. “I’ve heard of a great new restaurant in LoDo. If you don’t have plans tonight, I’d love to take you?”

  I glanced over at the elevator where Lauren still stood waiting as Rebeccah grinned and enthusiastically agreed. Lauren looked between the two of us and for a second I thought I saw hurt, but then the elevator doors were opening and she was stepping inside and then the doors were closed. Part of me was happy to see the hurt, because that’s what I felt. But part of me hated to see it on her of all people. I shoved that part down and smiled down at Rebeccah.

  “I hope you like tequila.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Lauren

  The worst was yet to come. I felt the impending doom like a heavy weight on my chest even as I tried to pretend nothing was wrong.

  If you leave a tea kettle on a hot stove top for too long it’s going to scream. If you light enough cigarettes around gasoline one day everything is going to go boom. And if you keep stepping further and further onto cracking ice there’s no way in hell you aren’t going to find yourself in that frozen lake.

  Days after I mangled my separation from Ryan, the stove was still lit, the cigarette was still burning, and we were both standing in the middle of the ice.

  I was just waiting for the final axe to fall.

  Every day, every hour that I longed for Ryan’s arms around me, I told myself I’d done the right thing. Given Samuel’s threats, I couldn’t take a chance with Ryan’s career especially considering the poor health of his mother and his role as one of her primary care takers. I couldn’t be the reason he lost the very same job he came to Denver for.

  I did it for Ryan. I did it for his best interests. I did it because I cared about him. That’s what I told myself and that’s what I wanted to believe, especially as my working relationship w
ith him deteriorated.

  “Dr. Castle, can you go grab those x-rays from floor nine?”

  “I’m debriefing nurse Sanchez right now.”

  I got the x-rays myself.

  “Dr. Castle, we had a meeting scheduled for ten minutes ago?”

  “Sorry, doc. Lunch went over. Took the nurses out. They deserve it, don’t you think?”

  I grinned and nodded while biting my tongue.

  “Dr. Castle. I told you here at Graton’s Gift our procedure for out patients is different. This isn’t New York Metro.”

  “Well, Dr. Decker, your procedures for out patients are outdated.”

  I gritted my teeth and slammed my office door as the nurses outside giggled.

  Our interactions dripped with animosity. Even simple conversations over the coffee machine in the break room seemed to turn confrontational. We'd end up standing there across from each other with heavy breaths and dark eyes, all over whether or not it was safe to put the fucking grounds down the fucking garbage disposal. I'm sure that the staff around us could sense the hostile change between us. But I'm not sure either of us cared at that point.

  He was angry with me for ending things. For not being willing to fight for what we had. And I was growing increasingly angry with him for what I perceived as his childish behavior in retaliation. Part of me was grateful for it though, despite how it grated on my nerves.

  It proved the tiny, incessant voice in my head that insisted he was too young, too immature, too inexperienced. The doubt that had lingered even when I thought I'd thrown myself heart-first into Ryan's arms lingered for a good reason it turned out.

  My time with Ryan was fun. It was a vacation. It was a fantasy. Now it was back to reality. And reality fucking sucked.