Rock Free Page 12

  “Good.” He ground his hips against my ass, his cock promising pleasures I hadn’t dreamed of yet. “All I wanted was to make sure you feel great today.”

  I sighed and whirled to face him, throwing my arms over him and leaning my cheek against his chest. Time to tell him the truth about yesterday. About my father coming to lay down his version of the law. “I do now. I’m sorry I was upset before. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth about earlier today.”

  Wes gave me a knowing look. “You did see your father, didn’t you?”

  I nodded. “He and my sister showed up at my dorm room yesterday. And it was ugly. I just—I’m not sure why I didn’t tell you. Maybe because I was scared you’d run.”

  He hugged me tight. “It’s okay, Little Red. Just…don’t avoid telling me stuff again. Lying by omission is still…well, it’s a fine line. But let’s not do that. We have to be honest with one another, okay?”

  I nodded. “Okay. I promise.

  He stroked my hair. “Why was it ugly? Did they find out about me?”

  “No. Not specifically. They were in my dorm room when I came home, wearing incredibly inappropriate clothes, according to their standards. My dad was upset because I smelled like I’d been to a party.” I sighed. “I’d told my sister I had feelings for a man, and she told my dad. That was enough to upset him and make him fly all the way to New York to threaten me.”

  “Wow. And you’re worried at how much worse it can get?” For a moment, Wes went silent, then he said quietly. “You know my reputation.”

  When I didn’t say anything—really, what was there to say?—Wes sighed.

  “You don’t have to tell them about me,” he said, but I could hear the remorse and exhaustion in his voice. “It’s fine with me. We can keep us a secret.”

  I pulled back abruptly. “It’s not fine with me, Wes. When it’s time, I want them to know the man I care about. I don’t want to hide behind anything.” I gazed into his eyes and tried to convey the emotions bursting from my chest. “I don’t want to be bullied by my father’s beliefs my whole life. I just have to figure out a way to stand up to him. I want to talk to Mom whenever I want, see her whenever I can, and I don’t want to beg him for money. I want to make the money myself.”

  “You will. That’s why you’re in college.”

  “I know, but I have nothing lined up as far as a job is concerned. Only reason I’m able to live here and even see you is because my father supports me. What you said before really got me thinking. I can do this—I can break out on my own, and find a way to stay in contact with my mom. But I’m scared, Wes.”

  “Don’t be, baby. Look at me.” He tilted my chin up. “I’m here to help you find your Independence Day. Got that?”

  I shook my head. I couldn’t allow Wes to be the savior of all my problems. I had to solve this by myself. With him by my side, yes, but as my partner and support, not my crutch or savior. “I’ve never cared about anyone like you before, Wes. I don’t want you to be some secret in my life. You’re the man I want to tell the world about…to tell my family about, no matter what people might say.”

  He blinked, then sighed. “You can’t know how much that means to me, Sara. And because I meant what I said about us being honest with each other, always, I need to tell you something. Something I should have told you before now.”

  Fear shivered through me. “What is it?”

  Looking at the ceiling, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Sara, I’m bisexual.”

  Chapter 15

  Wes

  I could barely look at Sara.

  That might sound weird, considering the things I’d seen and done the last six years, considering my onstage confidence, but I couldn’t. Every day on tour, I got up there and shook my ass, played a mean lick on the guitar. I lived life to its fullest and made no apologies.

  But even with all that life experience, now was when it mattered most. Sara had just heard the same words that had scared Lindsay away six years before. At any moment, I could lose Sara as well.

  And she was just sitting there, silent, her emerald eyes wide and fixed on something in the distance.

  “I’ve had a lot of lovers,” I said nervously into the still air, “and I know you knew that. Just not the part about me having had male lovers.” When she didn’t move, didn’t so much as blink, I added, “This thing between us, it’s deep. I need you to know who I am—all of me. And being bisexual is part of who I am.”

  “Stop…I can’t…” She pressed fingertips to her temples and shook her head. “I’ve never heard this about you, and I’m a fan. A big one. With all the stories about you, why haven’t I heard this before?”

  “I’ve managed to keep it a secret.”

  “But why?”

  What kind of question was that? “Because who I sleep with is no one’s business but mine. Coming out is an intensely personal thing, Sara.”

  “But surely I’m not the only one you’ve told?”

  Memories of Lindsay’s face, usually so soft and gentle, twisted up into disgust as she spat out the nasty words designed to hurt me sprang into my mind, and I swallowed back bile. “The only people who know are the guys I’ve slept with. My ex-girlfriend from high school. Ben. Well, and my parents, who disowned me. The elders from my church, who kicked me out of my youth group. Not even the guys in the band know.”

  “Why tell me, then?” she whispered.

  “Because I care about you. I want to keep seeing you. But you needed to know the real me. Ben was right when he said you have make an informed choice.”

  She stared at me, her expression completely blank. “Ben? Your best friend? You were talking to him about me? Wait—have you…”

  “Yes. We’ve been together. He wanted more, I didn’t. But he’s still my best friend, the one I turn to for advice.”

  Despite her questions, there wasn’t any anger on her face. There wasn’t any emotion on her face at all, as a matter of fact, but maybe that was because she was in shock.

  “Are you okay? Do you need water or something?” What kind of fucking question is that?

  “You’re the one baring your soul, Wes,” she said. “Do you need water?”

  “Actually, yeah.” Fuck, I need to do something, so I got up and walked to the wet bar to grab two bottles of water from the fridge.

  When I walked back to the bedroom, I found her out of bed and grabbing her clothes.

  So this was it? She was leaving?

  Sara slipped Nikki’s massive heels back on her feet. Wow, she must be really desperate to get out of here if she’d put those things on again.

  “I see how it is,” I snapped out, panic setting in. I set the bottles of water on the nightstand. “That’s it, then. You’re out of here.”

  “No. Yes. I mean…” She bit her lip, then blurted out, “I’m not sure what to say, Wes.”

  “Say you still feel the exact same way about me that you did fifteen minutes ago.” My heart beat fast and I felt dizzy. “But you can’t do that, can you?”

  For the first time, Sara’s face crumpled with emotion and tears sprang to her eyes. “Wes, what you told me matters. Of course it matters. You’ve got to understand, this complicates things. You’re not who I thought, and…”

  She couldn’t have hurt me more if she’d actually stabbed me through the heart. I knew there was the chance she’d reject me, but I honestly hoped she wouldn’t. That our feelings for each other would trump any obstacles.

  I’m not who she thought? Bitterness bit into me, tearing out great chunks of my soul. Panic clawed at my throat and my defenses slammed down around my heart.

  “So, it’s okay if daddy’s little girl falls for a rock star,” I snarled, “but not if he’s bisexual?” There was a harsh bite to my tone that I wished wasn’t there. I wanted to remain rational and fair but was finding it impossible. The drive to protect myself was overwhelming.

  She blanched. “No, that’s not it, Wes.”

&
nbsp; “Then what the fuck is it?” I was shouting now, and I didn’t want to be. Fuck.

  Sara spread her hands out in front of her. “You obviously want to keep this…um…this part of you a secret. But my father and his ministry are famous for bringing people down, people who they feel don’t match their values. And even if the ministry didn’t do something, there are groups that hate my dad and want to take him down. They’d use you to destroy my father, and in doing so, they’d—”

  “But this isn’t about your dad’s enemies. This is about you and me.”

  She gave me a look that told me I was being naïve about all this. That no matter what, this would always be about her father. Ben, Vickie, and yes, even Tucker all tried to warn me—that Sara would never be able to escape his grip.

  No—that wasn’t right. She would never truly want to.

  “Wes, I wish I could tell you that’s true. But you don’t know the world I come from.”

  “So, that’s it? We’re doomed because of your father and you’re just going to lay down and accept it? Isn’t that a little Romeo and Juliet?”

  “You’re not letting me talk. I’m trying to say, we’ve only known each other a month or so. You can’t risk everything for me. Why would you?”

  “Because you’re everything I want.”

  “Oh, Wes, I can’t—I mean, I won’t—” Tears sprang into her eyes and she blew out a breath. “I’m so sorry.”

  My chest felt devoid of air. Like someone had punched me in the gut. She was sorry? Sorry for what? All I knew was I’d told her the truth about me and she was pushing me away. Destroying me. Breaking me.

  My breath came in fast pants and rage built inside me. I had to get her out of this room—away from me. I had to get the pain to stop.

  I grabbed my clothes and started getting dressed. “Okay, then. You’ve made it clear you don’t feel the same way about me. How stupid of me to think it could work between us. Everyone tried to warn me, but I didn’t listen.”

  “I do care about you. So much! But I don’t want my father to destroy you. And it’s not just you I’m thinking of—if the ministry or my father’s enemies comes up with some campaign to ruin you, it would cause problems for Point Break, too. I need to—”

  “That’s a real shitty move to bring the band into this, Sara,” I snapped, shoving my legs into my jeans. “Tell yourself whatever you want, but don’t lie to me. This isn’t about the band. It’s the fucking 21st century. It’s about your inability to stand up to your family. It’s about your own prejudices and your unwillingness to accept all that I am.”

  I knew it wasn’t fair to say those things, but my emotions were running on autopilot. I’d spent years steering clear of relationships, of commitment, because of what Lindsay had done when I’d confessed my true self to her, and the one time—the one fucking time I let my guard down, I ended up with a goddamned preacher’s daughter.

  Fuck me.

  She strode over to me, wobbling on those damn heels and wiping away angry tears from her face. “You’re putting words in my mouth, and you’re not even waiting to hear what I have to say. Do I like the idea of you having been with men? No. It freaks me out a little, honestly. But I’ve learned to see the world—and to see people—through an entirely different lens since I’ve come to New York. This city has taught me to see the souls in everyone. You know I’m not the same person I was when I left home. But you’ve got to give me some time to—”

  “Fuck time,” I snarled. “Love doesn’t need time. And you either love me or you don’t.”

  At her shocked expression and long silence, pain spiked in my heart. I’d just told her I loved her and she couldn’t even respond. Clearly she didn’t feel the same way. She didn’t love me. She couldn’t love me. Why had I ever thought there was a chance for us? Why had I convinced myself Sara was more than her past?

  I laughed bitterly. “I don’t need you getting used to anything for me, Sara. Go ahead, get out. I know you want to leave. I don’t want you here. Because you’re not the person I thought you were, either.”

  “Wes—”

  The tears were forming behind my eyes. I could feel them, hot and stinging, and just about to spill. All I had left was my pride.

  “Leave, Sara. Please. Get. The. Fuck. Out.”

  I couldn’t look at her. Couldn’t bear to see the disappointment, the disapproval, the disgust I knew was in her eyes. I’d seen that expression before—in the cruel eyes of Lindsay, in the saddened gaze of my parents when they took me to the church and asked if the gay could be prayed away.

  I knew she was backing away from me—I could hear those soft footsteps on the plush carpet. And then, finally, she did exactly what I’d ordered her to do.

  She left.

  And my heart fucking broke.

  “I’m sorry, man.” Ben put a hand over mine. Nothing sexual about it. He’d accepted the change in our relationship from lovers back to friends, and he was being exactly that. A friend. One who was currently watching me get ass over kettle drunk in the bar of the hotel where Sara had crushed my heart.

  “S’ okay,” I slurred.

  “Nah, man, I’m sorry I pushed you to tell her. Maybe she never would have found out. I know I wouldn’t have said anything.”

  I shook my head. “No, you were right. I had to tell her, Ben. It’s who I am.”

  He sighed. “Yeah, I know. It’s just…are you sure you read her right? Maybe she really did just need to time to digest everything. I told you it would be a lot for her. Maybe she really was more concerned with how her family could hurt you than anything else.”

  “You didn’t see her face, Ben. You didn’t see how closed off she became. No expression. No emotion. When Sara is all about emotion. It’s what I love—”

  I snapped my mouth shut and downed another drink.

  “You love her?” Ben asked quietly.

  I was done hiding. From Ben, at any rate. I nodded. “Yep. I love her.”

  “Did you tell her?”

  I shrugged. “Yeah. I told her.” I thought back to what I’d said, but the moment was blurry in my mind. “She just stood there, not saying anything.”

  “Was this before or after you kicked her out?”

  I tried glaring at him, but it was hard to know which of the four Bens I saw was the one to be glaring at. “She was on her way out already. I just made it easier for her to go.”

  “Of course you did.”

  “What the hell does that mean?”

  “It means you have a tendency to shut people out, Wes. That’s your least charming quality, and you know it. The minute someone gets too close, the minute a real relationship has a chance to build, you shut it down, and you shut it down hard. You won’t risk anything.”

  I winced. “Ben—”

  He held up a hand. “You’re so afraid of getting hurt that you shut everyone out. Fuck, you haven’t even been honest with your bandmates about who you are. I can only assume you might’ve shut Sara out, too.”

  I felt indignant in my defense. “I didn’t. I told her I was bisexual. She was the one who said…” My brain was numb. What had she said? My alcohol-infused brain struggled to recall her words. I couldn’t remember. What I did remember was she hadn’t said she loved me when I told her I loved her. Or maybe I’d asked her if she loved me. Fuck. I couldn’t remember. The night was turning into one big fucking blur, and I needed more alcohol so I could make it fade it into oblivion.

  Ben sighed. “Okay, look. Sara seems like a nice chick, and she’s made you happy. She’ll probably think things over and be back. Just make sure you don’t pull that brick wall bullshit of yours, and everything should be fine.”

  “Nah. You were right. All this is too complicated,” I said, swirling my glass around, vodka spilling over the top. “I need to go back to groupies. No commitment. No heartbreak. Best of all? No bullshit or Daddy Dearest to deal with.”

  Ben gave me a long, hard look.

  “What?”


  “You’re being an ass, man. I know you. I’ve known every defense mechanism you’ve ever had since we were fifteen. That girl is worth waiting for. If the worst thing she’s ever done is tell you she needs to think things through, then don’t be a dick. Give that to her. Or by the time you pull your head out of your ass, she really will be gone.”

  “It won’t matter, because I’m not the kind she brings home to Daddy.”

  “You never were. Not for Sara or anybody, so what difference does it make?”

  “True,” I said, leaning back in my seat, “and I need someone who will put me first, not their family.” A fuzzy memory of Sara in that hotel room swam into my mind. “And for sure Sara will always be loyal to her family first. She’ll protect Daddy Dearest above all. Get this—she even said she’s afraid her father’s haters will do everything they can to bring him down if they found out about me.”

  Ben was silent for a moment, staring into his glass of booze. “Are you sure that’s what she said? Or did she say she was afraid her father’s haters would do everything to bring you down as a way of bringing Peter Crawford down?”

  I ran Sara’s words over in my head, but they were blurred by emotion and alcohol. Maybe that could be one way of interpreting what she’d said.

  “Think maybe she’s trying to protect you, not her father?” he asked.

  I shrugged. If so, I’d been an absolute ass.

  “You know, Wes, when you love someone, when they matter deeply to you, then you do anything you can to protect them. Even if it means hurting yourself.”

  I glanced at Ben, and the alcohol must have settled in my system because now there were only two of him. Both wobbly Bens wore an expression of compassion, slight regret, and understanding.

  “Aw, Ben, I’m so sorry. That’s what you’re doing right now, isn’t it? You’re here helping me but it’s hurting you.”

  He gave me a slight smile. “Yeah, a little bit. But it’s cool. I think in my heart I knew you and I weren’t right for each other—I just needed you to confirm it. And my heart just needs a little more time to heal. But it’s getting there.” He shifted in his seat and spread his hands wide on the bar. “You can see, though, how maybe Sara might be trying to protect you? And how maybe she needs time and space to process not only what you told her—which for someone from her background has got to be major—but also process how to deal with her family and who her father is?”